From the time of birth until about the age of one, a parent has 100% control over their child’s life. Around the age of one, a parent begins to trade control for influence until some magical age when the parent’s control comes to an end and all they have left is influence. That magical age can differ from child to child, but would commonly be between 16 – 26 years of age. The trade-off from control to influence is a natural part of life and indeed, a necessary part of life.
It can also be a painful part of life for both the parents and the child, as they are both stepping into new territory and both feeling the tug of war between who is in control over what areas of life. Some areas of control may ebb and flow, be released and taken back. A parent may give up control in 4-5 areas, but retain control in other specific areas. This tension can cause pain and stress, challenge and difficulties to both parent and child, and yet it is INEVITABLE!!!
Part of a parent’s job is to train a child to take on small amounts of control and responsibility each year until they have full control. The child’s job is to become responsible enough to handle the control and take over full control, but always be ready for the parent’s influence.
When there is mutual love, respect and understanding, this tension can be reduced to minimum levels, but it never disappears completely until there are enough successful events and years that have built up between the parent and child. The parent learning to give up full control and only give influence, and the child learning to take on the responsibility of control and accept the parental influence.
When there is limited or no mutual love, respect or understanding, deeper levels of pain will come. Hopefully, forgiveness can be found, otherwise either side could cause long-term disrespect and avoidance of each other.
Part of what drives a parent to hold on to control is to keep their kids from experiencing the pains of life. This is noble. However, Scott Cormode offers this comment, “As a parent, I want to protect my kids from pain. And yet I want my kids to display the maturity and character that usually comes only from experiencing pain.”
There is a careful blending in this “control and influence dance” between parent and child. No one gets it perfect. The parent should remember the challenges they had when they were the child walking this journey, and the child should try and imagine that they too, might some day be the parent attempting to get it right with their future child.
Through time and experiences, parents lose control, but gain influence.
Remember, it’s natural and inevitable!
I found this useful chart by Mark Forstrom. You might find his blog on the subject interesting.